Scumpy 2009 May

	MAY/JUNE 2009
	Felt sorry for those in Mexico these last few weeks. A kid was so hungry that he went and sucked some milk out of a big sow's eight titted rack who had the flu. That kid went home and threw up all over the family that were sitting at the dinner table in the dirt. Twelve hours later the kids family are infected by the mutated pig and human influenza from the snot, tears and stomach contents sprayed around the place. Father goes to work on some escoba down at the pub, because hes unemployed. After an hour he spews chunks all over the bar. The underpaid attractive waitress does a poor job cleaning up the mess. Trade continues. She serves over 200 people, including tourist's that nights opening. After closing the bar, she goes and serves about the same amount as a streetwalker, including tourist's that nights opening. Of course, days later its a worldwide pandemic. People are all starting to get fashion accessories for there facemasks. The news outlets are all declaring the world is at an end. All hope is lost. Quick, go out and raid the first supermarket/liquor store. Angle grinders will get rid of them pesky ram raid poles. Fuck the money, its only waste plastic now. Get the food. I'll grab all the Jack Daniel's and wild turkey. Don't forget the cheap dvds. Then a drug that has already been invented comes around to help. Tamiflu, it fixes everything. Including this outbreak of biblical proportions. Everyone calms down, there is already stockpiles of it from the sars, horse flu and bird flu outbreaks. And apparently the next easily controllable outbreak as well. The evening television news seems like a health report more than the usual horrific car crash or war story. The question still remains though as to the true origins of the outbreak and where it has actually come from? The best these news outlets seem to say is 'In Mexico somewhere'. When the horse flu outbreak outbreaked, AQIS (Australian Quarantine and Inspection service) traced it back to the horse and stable plus owner within months. Yet the Mexican Government have no idea as to the specifics of this case. There hasn't been any more reported other then 'In Mexico somewhere'. So this is how it went down I'm guessing.



	Swine flu has gripped the world in panic and scared it. Drug companies have been quickly saying that the drug tamiflu can fix everything, and is almost giving away there excess and out of date stock to the public. Making room for the new shiny limited piles of drugs the companies can keep in there warehouses. As a side effect of this, underground drug labs are processing tamiflu. Wondrously, these people have found a new superdrug that completely cures the flu, the common cold and clamidia. With no addiction or side effects. Major drug companies are dismayed that they would not be able to sell cold medication every year if the chemical structure becomes public knowledge. 1nsane urine soaked man on park bench news reporters spoke to Phizer CEO Santonio Aristocrat. "All that over the counter influenza product is the backbone of the industry. Every year we delay the cure for the common cold is the year we make 2 billion in profits." Mr Aristocrat also stated that the worldwide credit crunch isn't affecting his wage and he can continue to own his million dollar house in Ibiza. Adding laughter. Reporters then tried to track down a tamiflu cook or 'tfuc' as there known on the street. After a long search, George Derwood in Sydney agreed to speak as long as reporters changed his name to Terry. Showing them his house and a firsthand drug making process underground in his home cellar he said "I know the ingredients to the tamiflu recipe. In fact I'm just waiting on my drop off from my courier". Terry then pointed to the Bunsen burner heating some yellow fluid in a tube. "That's just some speed".

	Asked what he thinks of the new drug he replied "..think its awesome. How it cures a snotty nose and bell-end". Terry told us it would take about a months supply to be completely cured. "You would take a dose every morning during breakfast. After 30 days, you would never get sick with the cold or clamidia again." His phone rang and asked everyone to leave. Scientist and doctors have been seen associating with known drug dealers trying to learn exactly how it was made originally. Ethical groups have raised concerns about the discovery, suggesting that everyone needs the flu each year. Without the flu infection mutating, the human body would not stimulate its immune system to remain strong. Religious groups have also weighed into the argument. Livy McRiely, a Greek orthodox who attends buddist temple said "The common cold is a plague handed down by the Almighty. Swine flu is the new sign that the world is ending". Reporters asked McRiely what he was on, then walked away. Channel TENs News broadcast recently did a poll asking if viewers would take the drug. A whopping 1.3 million callers replied saying yes. The government has began advertising in newspapers and online guaranteeing amenity and $900 to illegal drug cooks if they present themselves to an official to show them the billion dollar formula. As of yet there has been no takers for the offer.

The all new comments box in the Legal section should be working. Will update this in the coming months and have all features working shortly. She said. Scumpy for May/June 2009. Archive Legal Cover your nose when you sneeze, man in supermarket. 90025072finalv.05
	On top of all the swine flu killing us all, the world economy and its troubles. All the wealthy countries have been giving out to much easy credit. Now everyone is in debt, including governments. The stock market looked to crash there a while back because nobody had enough real money to trade with. Everything was all fucked up. Then the new American President Obama handed out some money to millions of people. Instructions were given to spend it, and quick.
	PM Rudd had the same idea for we Australians. Albeit with some conditions, including your payment of taxes last year, almost everyone is in the process of getting $900 dollars. To 'Stimulate the economy' as he put it. In other words, go out and buy shit, although you don't have to. Which is another good idea. Save that money for something really important instead of that OLCD Telly or Sony Car stereo impulse buy.
	Today's dodgy product review is the cash register in the Adult shop I'm currently doing shifts in. Selling sleaze was never so difficult when the old price and code buttons are all over the place. Constantly having to check and re-check the price on a dvd while the two lesbians spending there stimulus package on fetish x rated films stand there looking at me like a tool. This is why barcodes were invented.