Scumpy 22.8

Hope you've stocked up on your on dvd's because that Olympics is on shortly. Yet another worldly tradition, where people we've never heard of do strenuous activities, just for the glory of being on the front of the Weetbix box. It really is a great event, really. Although it just interferes with the regular broadcasting on the telly.

With all these new fangled digital set top boxes, it shouldn't be to hard to broadcast the event on a dedicated channel. In the last five years the three major commercial, plus the two government run TV stations have been talking about 'digital' and how good it is. Why then do they keep moving the date forward for shutdown of the analogue signal that will eventually happen then.

All of the cheap shite set top boxes have about 200 scannable frequencies. If for just two weeks television networks all contributed and opened up an Olympics channel, we all wouldn't have to go without our favourite shows. When you do, don't call the channel "The Olympics Channel" though. Call it "Australian Olympic team and others - Live". Could have a cool catch phrase like 'How do they walk away with the gold every year? Find out here'.

Never the less, three hours coverage from a rained out stadium including three hours of ads does have a strange affect when your asleep on a comfy chair in front of a tee vee is blaring loudly. You start having dreams of your residual self image jumping hurdles and throwing a javelin. Then in your dream, Libby Trickett jumps out of the pool trying to sell you breakfast cereal and bottled water, while Amy Pearson sings 'Ready to fly'. Naked.

Kitchen appliances should not be advertised during the Olympics for obvious reasons. News reporters need only give us a quick summary of the various teams metal tally at the end of the day. Or an update of the hostage negotiation. Then return back to normal programming. Now that Big Brother is off the air, fill the gap with a highlights footage for no more than an hour once a night. During that time you can advertise your 'free to air' live digital channel you wont make.

Then you chant "Oxy Oxy Oxy, Oi Oi Oi !" while the song brass in pocket plays on ABC radio. That's what all the people would be screaming out at the Olympics. If they were all addicted to artificial opiates.

Recently more news of athletes being banned from the games in Beijing because of drug use. Dwain Chambers from Britain tried to get back on his counties Olympic team. Dwain was banned for life in 2004 as he was found taking a controlled substance.

A document published by the IOC and the WADA has been handed down just weeks before the opening ceremony. Researches for these groups have found alarming levels of athletes heading to the Olympics testing positive to a wide array of performance enhancing supplements.

Most of the athletes tested positive to well known enhancers, although more unusual drugs are starting to be detected. Insane urine soaked man on park bench news spoke to Nurse Sophia Topchesta, from Singapore. The blond nurse is responsible for conducting tests on Olympic athletes urine.

"People know of the normal supplements like anabolic steroids. When used, the substance builds up cellular tissue by increasing protein synthesis, giving an unfair advantage."

Bending over showing off her cute arse to get a bunsen burner from a shelf near the floor, she continued. "Last week, a popular Australian swimmer's urine sample was tested here. He gave a positive reading to a chemical that promotes Alopecia. He's within his legal right though, as its not banned on the WADA prohibited list".

Nurse Topchesta then 'accidentally' spilt some water all over her tight shirt underneath her nurses coat, revealing instantly that she was not wearing a bra. Also on high beam because it was cold in that room. The reporter left three hours later wet from the nurse suggesting she demonstrate a golden shower. Leaving with a worn out beaker and other sore to touch equipment.

Waiting at the dry cleaners, the reporter talked to Nick D'Arcy, who was there to pick up his now clean blood free suit. "There is a major problem with drugs in sport these days. If i wasn't allegedly drunk at that nightclub, I wouldn't of been kicked off the swimming team". D'Arcy agreed there's always London in 2012, where he still wont be allowed to go.

There has been news from an Australian bio-metrics research company. Having invented and currently experimenting with new technology for detecting performance enhancing supplements. It may be possible in four years from now for all athletes to just walk through a machine that looks like a metal detector. The device will instantly show results to see what drugs are in there system. This will ultimately save athletes from having to piss in a jar, including all over there hands.

Today's dodgy product review is the BBC brand Tardis™ brand space/time travelling machine. During a period in the 1960's, the Tardis was available in cheap shops for 3 pounds, 5 shillings. The British made invention could go anywhere in time and space. One of the main selling points was the fact it could camouflage itself to its surroundings.

Unfortunately due to lack of interest, the first production run of the Tardis sold only forty two units. The device was taken off the shelves with the rest of the unsold stock and incinerated shortly after. Recently a sale on eBay of a broken Tardis machine received bids exceeding over two million pounds sterling. Now people have been cleaning out there garages looking for old Tardis'es everywhere.

Grocery stores across Australia have been warning people not to purchase old Tardis units. The rare few left working are problematic and may cause injury. It has been reported that a technical fault with the cloaking circuit makes the Tardis camouflage stuck in the form of a London police box from 1950. Also during use of the Tardis, a popular song by the KLF will be telepathically played into your brain on some occasions uncontrollably.

The mechanics of several Tardis systems haven't been serviced properly in over six decades, also making travel in time and across the universe risky. Well known examples like that of Harold Finch from London who once owned a Tardis. He announced he was travelling backward in time and going to visit the first ever Olympics in 776 BC at Olympia, Greece, where he was to photograph the event for historical documentation.

Halfway across the timeline, sparks started shooting out of the control panel. The last message received was 'I think its broken. The piston thing in the middle aren't going up or down anymore. Lost in the Jurassic age'. There is an individual that is rumoured to be able fix Tardis machines, but he's been too busy getting it off with Aussie pop stars.